I would be lying if I said I had no idea how to lose weight. Truth is, I know precisely what needs to be done but time and time again, I make the wrong decisions. Sometimes it's as though I'm trying to defy myself so all I can do is fail. How does this even make sense? I want to lose weight, I want to feel great about myself and be as healthy as I can be for myself and my family and yet I choose fat and calories just to rebel. Anyone that can explain this to me, I'm all ears! So, here we go again. Working on losing weight and eating healthier for the whole world to see (or maybe the two or three people that stumble upon this blog).
I am officially at my highest non-pregnant weight. Hell, this is how much I weighed the day I gave birth to my daughter so I guess you could say my highest weight ever! I'm not ready to type the numbers yet but I promise I will reveal that number eventually. I'm not sure what has propelled me to my breaking point but I think that some people in my life have inspired me. I also think moving to another shift soon is giving me the feeling of a fresh start. So today is day one and of course I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can stop me now! But I am cautious. I know one of my biggest obstacles will be exercise. Some days I just flat out hurt and want to stay in bed all day. It's not like the feeling I used to have when I was just being lazy - I literally hurt all over. It was actually the last time I was trying to lose weight that I discovered the Arthritis. I worked out and was in pain trying to recover for a week straight. It made no sense - I hadn't worked out that hard! My husband, trying to encourage me, told me to try to suck it up and work out again. That made it much worse.
So off to the Rhuematologist I went. I have some sort of inflammation in my body - thought to be something similar to Rheumatoid Arthritis - but they aren't sure precisely what it is because my blood work has all come up normal outside of the inflammation. I spent some time crying, some time feeling sorry for myself and an awful lot of time depressed. My medication has given me some slight improvement and I'm hoping it's enough for me to be able to at least start off with some light exercise regularly! Half my battle with exercise is the Arthritis but to be completely honest the other half is MOTIVATION! It's so hard to make yourself do something you have hated your entire life but I am determined to find something I can tolerate and maybe even something I like someday.
Another challenge I foresee is my husband. I love him and he always tries to support me in everything I do but his weight just is not a struggle for him like it is for me. He can handle having fast food french fries and still manage to lose weight. I just think about a Kid's Meal and gain 5 pounds. Or so it seems. Last night he got me a grilled chicken salad at Chick Fil A and what does he bring home? A spicy chicken sandwich (fine by me, I think they're gross) and FRENCH FRIES!!! You can't fight the smell or the feeling of being deprived watching someone eat them. When I finished my salad and felt great - not that yucky my arteries are coated with grease and my stomach is going to explode feeling - I was thankful I made the right choice and only ate one of his fries. It was delicious but there is no more satisfaction that would have been gained for me to eat any more than that one. It has been a very long time since I have felt that way and I am hoping I can continue with that strength and determination. I don't want to have any No-No foods but I think I cannot in good faith bring home chocolate chip cookies. I just can't control myself. I don't see any reason why we can't go out to the Cookie Company for a treat every now and then, though!!!
My time has run out. Sesame Street has ended and it's time for part two of my snack. 10 mini club crackers and 1/2 TBS of peanut butter. Eventually I'll have some whole wheat crackers but I can't be wasteful and just toss the perfectly good crackers we have right now. Proud of myself for eating that banana already. I really do despise the texture and aftertaste!!!
